Well... I'd say that's a self-explanatory title
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More about me, within reason:
My name is Juliet. I'm short. My birthday is May 18, 1985. I attend Harvard College, where I'm a sophomore with junior standing. I'm majoring in Environmental Science and Public Policy;
I'm also Pre-Vet. I was born in England and now live on Cape Cod, MA. My ambition is to become a zoo vet and live in Costa Rica
I have brown hair and grey eyes, and am very fat and ugly.
My favorite food is pineapple. My favorite song is "Enchantment Passing Through", from AIDA. My favorite color is red. My favorite book is "A Tale of Two Cities"
As for music, I listen to Spike Jones, Billy Joel, Helmut Lotti, Shostakovich and Broadway anything.
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Thursday, May 12, 2005
Global thinkers with original minds, INTJs have a natural talent for improving systems and are good at finding connections between things. INTJs are creative, imaginative and intellectually curious and daring. They can quickly grasp complex theories and ideas. Very analytical, INTJs make excellent strategic problem solvers. They have extremely high standards for themselves, but usually manage to meet or exceed their expectations and goals. Because they are so focused on their inner world, INTJs often have a hard time operating in the real world. They are very intellectual and have troubles dealing with emotion and feelings. INTJs are also unaware of other peoples feelings and have to be reminded to be caring and thoughtful of other's emotions.
INTJs can be condescending and patronizing of people who do not catch on to concepts as quickly as they do, and they prefer to work alone or in small groups of equally competent colleagues. INTJs don't like to share their ideas, but would rather work on them until they are perfect. They have great focus and determination, but are seen as single-minded, stubborn and inflexible. INTJs are the most independent of all the types, and are very difficult to get to know. They are very private and are cool and formal when interacting with people. INTJs are quiet and reserved, but they become very excited and talkative when discussing important projects, or areas of expertise. They try to avoid being the center of attention, and dislike flattery and praise. INTJs are comfortable in their intellectual world and spend a lot of time alone in thought.
The sentences of an INTJ are usually long and complex, and full of ideas. Their speech is usually thoughtful and deliberate, but it can be vague and imprecise. INTJs are very confidant and don't care at all what others think of them. INTJs are difficult to read, because they don't use any excess words or gestures. They will use rules that work, and ignore all others. They have a good sense of underlying structure and meaning and are often drawn to science, math and other similar fields.
10:29 PM
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Ahem...
Plan:
I was serenely independent and content before we met;
Surely I could always be that way again -- and yet --
Alan Jay Lerner, _My Fair Lady_
What does this MEAN? God, how I wish it meant what I think it did, and how I know it doesn't. Know what the one before it was? "One love to be living for/ This nearly was mine." I hate the fact that he's found someone, and even more the fact that it isn't me. I mean, he should be happy, granted. He should just be happy with me. Is that so much to ask?
7:25 PM
Sunday, August 01, 2004
So, guess who I spent the evening with last night? Eh, you're probably right. He was with his family; it was unbelievable how great the whole thing was. I love the little pieces I see of him. But this was so special, so much me and him, I'm still dealing with the repercussions. And I'm still happy, go figure. Residually. All the mental anguish I went through going there, and it turned out to be possibly the best I've ever felt with him. I don't think he picked up on it; then again, I don't really care. I've remedied a poisonous dislike that began back when I saw him last, under circumstances completely contrary to these, and intensified tenfold with the early-May controversy. I don't like to dislike him. It's painful. The truth is, he is wonderful, no matter how he feels or doesn't feel and no matter what anyone else says. I'm so glad that I got to see him like this. It did me worlds of good.
"What was it like growing up on Cape Cod?"
"Well, I didn't grow up anywhere else, so I wouldn't know how it was different."
"Ah. I can see why you're friends with my son."
later...
"You're a lovely young lady... how did you meet my son again?"
and, for last,
"I aim to please."
"No, you don't."
"You're right. I just thought it sounded good."
3:57 PM
Saturday, July 31, 2004
What am I doing?
Ouch.
7:47 PM
Thursday, July 08, 2004
Well and well and well. Much has passed between us, friend. The animals want to escape, and so do I. Why must I press my messes on the people that are nicest to me? Should I reach out or retreat in? What will get me least hurt? Who and what do I want, now and in the future? What am I supposed to be? How can I be such a whiny adolescent all the time? Why is my mother at odds with me all of a sudden? Why can't I justify myself or my behavior to anyone that matters, including me? Why is the mail so late? Why am I so lost? What's with all the questions?
4:46 PM
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Let this stand as a record to everything I've successfully and unsuccessfully kept from the world at large since shortly after I began college. Lately... I hate the Noteables. I'm trying to get over a guy I've been crazy about for over a year. I'm trying to understand why the world and I have changed so much since this time last year. Now, Lisa is my only anchor to sanity, I can't wait to get out, my family annoys me, my job annoys me, I'm on the way to accepting that the only thing that has made Harvard worthwhile for me is about to disappear from my life without a trace. My room is a mess, although it's clean- I must sort my clothes and the years' accumulation of detritus on my closet floors. I wish I didn't have to accept that I'll never have any of the things that seem to be important to other people and that, far from being special, I am in fact a very useless person that will never have the things I want and/or need because my ambitions are too distant from reality. I hate that Blogger has changed since I started using it; I hate that things move so fast and I don't seem to be able to keep up. I hate being a teenager, and I hate being useless. I hate me and the world. I hate using the word "I" so much. Goodnight, good luck, goodbye.
6:16 PM
Friday, May 28, 2004
I am lost, so gol-durn lost, not even God can find me.
-"Paint Your Wagon"
Why do I want him still? Why, when there's nothing there?
-"Aida"
There's a lot that's at stake but you've stalled long enough.
-"Into the Woods"
Failure.
1:18 AM
Monday, May 17, 2004
It is the day before Juliet's 19th birthday, and she is attempting to write a climate modeling essay for which she has no concentration whatever.
Where am I that I was not last year? I tend to look at that more around birthdays than any other time. Well, I have bangs, albeit growing-out ones. I have a best friend that, at this time last year, was merely a good friend. I have two very close roommates for next year, while I didn't even have a blocking group last year and barely knew one of the two future roommates. I have learned to conduct and successfully mounted two big concerts and five-or-so small ones. I am still in love with the same impossible person, and I know him much better now than I did then. I have studied bugs in the Dominican Republic and farm animals in a historical village. Nobody close to me has died. I've been published in a real-live book. I have still never interacted romantically with a guy. I have a Morton. I have broken two major rules, one with serious consequences. I think I might have learned to talk. I have worked with monkeys, chicks, snakes, hedgehogs, prairie dogs, goats, sheep, cows, frogs, turtles, alligators, and snakes. I have hurt, and I have been hurt. I think I have changed. I am less solitary and more communicative, less uncertain and more confident, less dour and more upbeat. I haven't done too many exciting things, but I have learned and grown, and that's what's important.
Hallmark, here I come...
2:15 PM
Saturday, May 15, 2004
There is a disconnection... a loose connection... I'm not certain of what to do or how to make things sit right again. They shifted off course. I escaped to New York, but that was barely a temporary fix. It's all so wrong; it's all so messy. I want it back where it came from. I don't think there's any way to fix the situation at this point, but I don't want to accept that this kind of a mess could ever be permanent. In the end, all I can do is take it or refuse, and I have no idea which is best for me and for the group. What a disaster. Oh, it's almost my birthday! Happy birthday to me...
7:27 AM
Sunday, May 02, 2004
There are a lot of things that I think are over right now. I am coming off an incredible year, and it will probably take me a while to get used to this, but perhaps I'm ready to wrap it up. I am glad to have known you, really I am. You have given me a whole lot of incredible adventures, and moments that I wouldn't trade for anything. I'm ready to give it up, though. I think I really am. There was a chance once- small, but definite. It's gone, and there's no point in pretending otherwise.
I love you. Please know that. You deserve all the wonderful things there are in the world, and you deserve for me to stop pretending you're something you're not, or that this is anything that might ever change anything. You could have changed me. You have. Maybe that's enough.
think of me
4:23 AM
Sunday, March 21, 2004
What a long time it's been. A long strange time. Somehow contented. I'm not sure if I'm too tired or too wide awake, but there is a lot I think I have yet to process, and my stomach is still not fully in cooperation. Oh well. I'm not high enough to fly any more, but at least I'm not dragging on the ground.
I do believe I miss you. I do believe that's okay. And here I thought I'd lost you.
3:08 PM
Saturday, March 13, 2004
I. Am. Okay.
It's funny how all of a sudden I can believe that.
What a strange day.
I ate. I ate ice cream. I ate peppermint ice cream. I ate peppermint ice cream while walking. I ate peppermint ice cream while walking with a friend. How utterly... utterly...
I. Am. Okay.
For some reason, I don't even take any convincing.
4:52 PM
Monday, March 08, 2004
He's the only person with this much power to make me feel like utter garbage. I can't believe there is a week of this. I wish it was over. I'm not stupid enough to expect anything anymore, but the fact that he's here is just so frustrating and exasperating that I can almost forget that there's no reason for it to be. I need to just forget him, cut out that part of myself. It is so useless and painful. I don't appreciate feeling like this, particularly not because of another person. I really wish I could tell my Lisa, but that seems like going a bit too far. Just get me through the week...
2:27 AM
Sunday, March 07, 2004
Yeah... hmmm... not doing well. I can't keep relying on Lisa talking me down every time I end up out on an emotional ledge. Part of me was expecting him to be there, but not enough of me to make it doable. I think I freaked out. It was just too much to deal with- him, and my family, and auditions, and concert stuff... and I barely talked to him. I want to just strangle myself or something. I can't believe he's this close and I can't do anything about it. I want to be with him. That's it. It hasn't gone away, and it hasn't gotten easier, and I seem to no longer be capable of handling it sensibly. If I ever was. But what am I supposed to do about it?
2:33 AM
Monday, March 01, 2004
I can't believe how tired I am. As far as I can tell, the only way to get out of this funk would be to take a break, but there's no end in sight, not even a respite. Just a steady stream of work, worry, and planning. I'm stalling, and I've stalled. At least it's March now. The weather is better. It'll be spring soon. I have to get happy sometime, right?
6:46 AM
Thursday, February 26, 2004
What is wrong with me? Why does it all bug me so much? I seem to have relapsed majorly, and it really stinks to have to do it alone. I don't want to do anything. My motivation is shot through. I want to curl up somwhere and never move. I dreamed the other day about food, massive amounts of cookies and chocolate and such. I should have eaten some- after all, it wouldn't have counted in a dream- and yet I stopped myself. Good for me. I need to deal with lab and meeting and work and rehearsal and running and this party and the concert and two papers, and that's all before next Monday. I just want him to come right now. I'm pretty sure he's got the 13th-21st off, so it'll be about 3 weeks. If I can make it that long.
9:24 AM
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
This is annoying. She confronted me, forced me to open up an old wound, and then left me alone to deal with it. I broke a rule- in a way, I broke down. Now I feel very raw, very misanthropic, very alone. Bitter might be a good word. Tired, anyway. I just want to crawl under something and sleep for days, even though I've been sleeping far too much lately. I really feel worse now than I have in a long while, far more hopeless anyway, and I miss him more than I have been recently. Every day seems to last longer than the previous one. It's also partly my new reading fixation, but Sunday definitely made it worse. I want to be the one who will always be there, but I'm not sure she even meant that. I don't know why I'm such a different person with her than with everyone else. In other news, I'm 15 minutes into Lent and already missing chocolate and food. Grr... but this should help a lot, particularly with him coming so soon. It might even be about three weeks; remembering concert time, however, I don't think I'll count on anything. Now help me get over this and move on.
12:16 AM
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
Poor neglected Blog. Having a Livejournal is fun- I get to say everything slantwise. Not that I'm overly direct in here, but much more so than there. Like, instead of saying, this specific thing is bothering me, I'll go on some extended rant about something vaguely related to what's bothering me. I enjoy it. Anyway, it's good to have something I can make public without extensive editing, which this would need- I've given plenty away, even without being direct. This is more of a journal, the LJ is more of a repository of thoughts, but that one is new and novel and therefore gets more attention. Also, the layout is prettier by a long shot. Ah well. I am a sellout to computer culture.
7:48 PM
Monday, February 09, 2004
I make so very little sense these days. Skipped monkeys' first meeting, possibly because I'm still holding out for the creative writing. I really hope this will work. Anyway, I really enjoyed skating this morning, but a part of me thinks I've been spending too much time with Lisa- we' re both being a little odd and melodramatic/touchy with one another lately. I like it, though. She's the only person that gets me to talk and think about me. Oh, well, I need to get a move on before MSO. Hopefully Scott will actually manage to get things right today.
6:50 PM
Friday, February 06, 2004
Ah, the life. A lovely WE-less day of doing nothing. And it seems that insects are happening and ESPP10 is not, thank goodness. Now to uncover my options... Well, he finally wrote, but it is not going expecially well. I just feel like I'm not really up to it. Poor Anneka was, apparently, speeding-ticketed lately. The first Notes gathering of the semester was quite lovely, aside from my utter inability to copy music right. Lisa did not seem to be in great shape, though. Apparently her last B came during Freshman year. I do believe my inferiority complex is justified on those grounds alone. Ah well, I think this will be a great recharging semester to get me over the fiasco that was last. Good riddance.
1:41 AM
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Hahaaaa, I LOOOOVE my semester so! Just imagine if I can get into creative writing and insects (obviously the best class ever), and I don't have to take ESPP 10! No Friday classes... nothing before 11 on MW and 2 on TTh... and add to that the Science Center job, the MCZ entomology job (organizing bug database, yay!), the ice skating class, the great Noteables repertoire, improved weather, no food over Lent... wow, I'm happy. And possibly even no WE. Cows n' a half!
6:13 PM
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
I could have symphonies in me, but instead I have this ashy indutrial dust. It's just been that kind of a day, and that kind of a few days. There is a skin of me around a core of painful exhaustion. I stayed up assembling applications for creative writing classes, and I'm suffering for it. Finally an email from him, but it got me to thinking about my priorities, and if maybe I should set up for a different one. He is obviously not on the radar at the moment, and I feel like the intensity is at a low ebb- the perfect time to bow out and rearrange my plans. Here, there is a certain anarchy right now, almost something you can smell. New-semester edginess. I feel insane already with the weight of what I have to anticipate doing.
2:37 AM
Tuesday, January 27, 2004
I don't believe it- I'm halfway done with my Harvard career! If I weren't still sloughing off residual exhaustion from having only managed an hour of sleep Sunday night, I'd be so ecstatic. Plus we've got our music figured out- I had to sacrifice one of my babies to Lisa, but I'll survive. RFR will be a lot of fun to sing. Anyway, 4/5 of my finals were successful, and I'm happy and proud, for the most part. And so excited about next semester! I am, I am, I really am!
8:05 PM
Sunday, January 25, 2004
If I must live my life alone,
My tears will turn to ash and stone,
My empty hands will fill with flame,
The wind alone will know my name.
I will not mourn, I will not speak,
Stay silent as my voice grows weak,
Stay stoic as my tears run dry-
I’ve never seen a mountain cry.
If I am not to have a friend,
I’ll let the plane of dark descend,
I’ll let the emptiness inside,
A thing to hold, a place to hide.
I will not bargain with my fate,
Throw up my hands, cry out in hate,
Throw down my words to empty air-
I’ve never seen the oceans care.
If I am not to know of love,
Or feel the softness of the glove,
Or see the light that some have known,
I will not fear to live alone.
And when you find me there at last,
You’ll see that I’ve become the past,
You’ll see- as I am sure you will-
My form at rest along a hill.
Oh, please try to remember, dear,
That- when you see me sleeping here,
That I was more than flesh and bone,
For I had lived my life alone.
2:23 AM
Thursday, January 22, 2004
Wahou, I gotsa job! Museum of Science Live Animal Center, with free admission to the museum AND Omni theatre AND all sorts of other museums in the area including the MFA, Gardner, Aquarium, zoo... I'm so excited for next semester. Plus I'm looking into a job doing insect research, and there's the Dominican class, and best of all NO CHEMISTRY! I have come to accept that I will fail that class, ruin my GPA, never get into vet school, etc. It seemed after high school as though there was nothing else standing in my way, I was on the direct pipeline to where I wanted to go. Now I know I am nowhere near. I am not smart, I am fat and ugly, I will never be loved nor will I have a friend who cares about me. I will not be a vet, I will never get back to Costa Rica... I have no idea what I can possibly end up doing with my life. This round of depressing, dire predictions brought to you by a miserably unproductive reading period and a finals week of pain and suffering.
8:57 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Finals tomorrow... actually, now it's today. I actually spent 8 hours straight in Lamont today (yesterday?), going over all the Bio lectures from the dawn of time. It was okay, and I feel a lot better about it, but my laziness is really catching up to me. I don't think I understand kidneys yet. As usual, I'm scared of screwing up. I'm SO glad I went to see Urinetown again. I think that is the only reason I am still sane. Spending time with Mim, Pip, and the gang this weekend was also great, not to mention the awesomeness of the food. I HATE pine. I swear, this place punishes you for NOT being a stressed-out basket case all the time. What else can I rant about? Well, it's only a week. I'll keep repeating that... only a week... only a week...
1:02 AM
Thursday, January 15, 2004
Bitter bitter unproductive week. I swear, I have read more books this week than in the past several months combined. Hey, it's READING period... anyway, in another grand reading period tradition, I've been engaging in contemplation. Here is a sample train of thought.
FACT: At 18.5 years old, Juliet has never gone on anything even remotely resembling a date
FACT: No guy has ever asked Juliet out
JULIET'S CONCLUSION: This accounts for her never having been on a date
ERROR: In this day and age, girls are perfectly welcome to ask guys out
FACT: This is how Sara ended up going out with Dan
FACT: In the end, Dan broke up with Sara
JULIET'S CONCLUSION: The one who instigates the relationship is the one who wants it more
FACT: Juliet has never instigated a relationship
JULIET'S CONCLUSION: Juliet does not particularly want relationships
ERROR: Juliet does, in fact, want relationships
QUESTION: What is stopping Juliet from instigating them?
CONCLUSION A: Juliet is afraid of rejection
ERROR: Though Juliet is in fact afraid of rejection, this is trite and does not answer the question fully
CONCLUSION B: Juliet falls in love very exclusively and with unreasonable people
ERROR: This is not universally true, and Juliet cannot afford to be discriminating
CONCLUSION C: Juliet does not want a relationship, per se, but something else involved
QUESTION: What else?
FACT: Juliet tends to be lonely, have unreasonably low self-esteem, and seek approval
FACT: Juliet creates distance between herself and others so that getting to know her is an effort
FACT: People who do these things want very much to be loved
JULIET'S CONCLUSION: Juliet wants to be loved
And it is true. I say I want relationships, but I don't mean that I want to date someone. No, I mean I want someone to date me. I want to be chosen. The other aspects of closeness, companionship, sex, whatever- that's secondary. Primarily, it's all about me. I want someone to be willing to go out of their way to pick me. As that is never going to happen, I am destined to be miserable. QED.
Isn't that disgusting?
I need some tea.
8:49 PM
Monday, January 12, 2004
I have decided what it is about JC, and I will quote from My Fair Lady: "You impudent hussy. There's not an idea in your head or a word in your mouth that I haven't put there." She is just a boring, boring person. Sweet, but painfully boring. I know whenever I have a conversation with her that it will be useless, petty, and a waste of my time. Not that I want to talk philosophy and theory 24 hours a day, but I don't exactly feel like conversing with someone who doesn't posess a single original idea, either.
9:38 PM
Sunday, January 11, 2004
Cabaret was sorta cool. But Urinteown... ohhhhh man... I never wanted that show to end. I adored it. I want to just crawl into that show and live in it- not in that world necessarily, but in the show. I want to assume another personality and a life bounded by songs and words. I also want to assume Charlie Pollock. "Run Freedom Run" was amazing, and Officer Lockstock and Little Sally did such a great job. I was impressed out of my mind. Otherwise, I am at school and not sure what to do with myself besides wanting to see this show again and trying and failing to stop eating.
12:32 AM
Monday, January 05, 2004
Back. Back back back.
What else? Nothing.
2:32 AM
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